I apologize for taking a very long break from writing. A couple weeks ago I lost my cat Luke. To some people losing a pet is sad, to others it’s absolutely devastating. It all depends on how people grieve. My cat was estimated at around 24 years old. I had him for over 20 of those years. Which in reality is 2/3 of my life. I had him since I was 9 years old. He was my best friend. He was there for me when people weren’t. He sat with me when I was sick. He went through everything I went through. In my eyes he was truly the best cat in the world. He was never malicious. He never hurt anyone and he loved everyone he came in contact with. Nobody that has stepped foot in my house didn’t like Luke. He made everyone feel loved. There was even a point when, if I stayed out too late or slept out, he’d sleep by the door all night until I came in. He even went as far as being angry if I didn’t come home. He’d demonstrate by turning his back on me when I came home. It was really funny at the time. Now I would give anything to have that back, so I can hug him and spend more time with him.
10 years ago my mom battled breast cancer and in between that she had a few open heart surgeries. It was the lowest peak of my life. It was what brought my anxiety on full force and quickly turned into a serious depression. He was by my side night after night that had I cried my eyes out. He was there for every break up, every friendship ending. Every time I had a hard day and just wanted to lay my head on a pillow. He was there. All he ever wanted in return was to lay next to me and have me pet him. He was more family to me than actual family members I lived with. I’m still taking all of this really hard. I have my good moments and my bad. It was an extremely traumatic experience especially doing all of this during this COVID-19 pandemic. Every single day I wake up and I’m reminded of him not being here. I catch myself looking for him daily.
However I always promised myself that I would hold his paw till the end and at least I got to keep that promise. I got to be with him for his last moments. The trauma of watching life leave your pets body is an indescribable feeling. As someone who suffers from anxiety and depression all I can do is try to block out that experience. Every time I think about it, it’s like reliving it again. All I can feel is that paralyzing, helpless feeling, the tears and trying to breathe steadily under my mask. It just felt like a nightmare. At a time where people are fostering and adopting animals, I’m saying goodbye to mine who I’ve had since I was a child. Most people are so impressed by how long he lived. Although I am fully aware he’s lived impressively long I still thought we’d have more time. Honestly I’d gladly take another 10 years. I avoided writing this because it’s a very painful subject to write about and I knew I’d have to shed tears to write it. I’ve been grieving and I gave myself a few weeks to collect my thoughts. I have been burying myself in work but I haven’t been able to get a place to write this until tonight. People who aren’t animal lovers probably won’t relate to this and that’s fine.
However, I know a lot of people who have been down this road and could relate to this. I just wanted to be really candid with everyone about my lack of writing lately. I promised going into blogging I would be as real and raw as I can. I just needed to give myself time and self care to help me grieve. This is a tough time for all of us and sometimes we just need to take a step back for our own sanity. I promise I will be back soon with more cosplay, food, fashion and uplifting thought entries. I hope you are all doing well. Remember that this is Mental Health Awareness Month. So if you know someone who is going through something traumatic or just having trouble coping, try to help out. I always say “be the person who needed as a girl”, well right now “be the person you would need in a trauma”. Thank you all for being patient with me. Just do me a favor and hug your loved ones especially your fur babies tight tonight.