The big 30, cosplay, balance and the Anxiety Monster.

There seems to be a big difference between single men and women in their 30s. A lot of single men of this age are living their best care free lives. They are in no rush of any kind for commitments, they also can avoid this by dating younger women. However women in their thirties are usually in this race against the clock. We constantly get bombarded with “have you met anyone?” Which sadly doesn’t end there because if you are seeing someone the next few questions are “is it serious?” “Do you think you will get married?” Then the best one of all….”You’re getting older, don’t you want to have kids?”

A lot of people look at my lifestyle and are either wildly interested or totally confused. Mostly men are interested because they assume I live this “fantasy life”. I get to do what I love, sometimes travel and I get to dress up in all different costumes while doing it. I also don’t seem like the type of girl that wants to settle down. Which honestly is not the case. Truth be told I want nothing more than to be settled, have children and wake up everyday with the man I love.

Most women on the other hand that aren’t apart of the cosplay community look at my life differently. The best question is “Aren’t you a little too old to be playing dress up”. “Enjoy it now, because I bet you won’t have time to be doing that when you finally have a real life”. The look of disdain can puncture a hole right through my chest. One thing I’ll say is that soccer moms usually aren’t my biggest fan. I’d be lying if I said that the passive aggressive judgement doesn’t absolutely make my blood boil. The funny thing is, I know a ton of moms and dads in the cosplay world who have no issue balancing both. I can’t explain how painful it is to be judged about doing something I love and something that brings so much joy to children. Especially children that need it the most.

However I still continue to do what I love, and I’d like to think I do it well. I work a regular job in pre-k special needs and I own a Princess party entertainment company. So yeah, sometimes I work 6-7 days a week, total. On days I have off I get to do what I love and I have plenty of time to craft, do make up tests and put Cosplays together because I don’t have a family to raise. It’s a bitter sweet point of view because there’s a big part of me that really does long for that lifestyle as well. Although, I do spend a ton of my time with kids and sometimes I think I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be at this point in time. Maybe I have all this extra time because I’m supposed to be making all these other children happy. Which really puts my heart in the right place.

A lot of people ask how I balance all of this and to be honest it isn’t as easy as I make it sound. I also have this black cloud who follows me around a lot…. and his name is, Anxiety. I deal with it in the best ways that I can. I practice all the coping mechanisms and they do help. However I’d be lying if I said they make the thoughts and panic attacks disappear. It’s mostly a constant nagging voice in the back of my head 24/7. Starting my princess business has definitely pushed me out of my shy introverted ways. I would be totally lying if I said 5 years later that my heart still didn’t beat out of my chest before every party. I still question myself “Will the kids like me?” Or “ Will this be a good party?” Thoughts like this still plague my head before I can catch my breath and walk through the door. However pushing myself every time has kept all of those thoughts at bay. Cosplaying and going to cons also helped. I have met so many different people from all walks of life. It really helped me make so many lifetime friends. Friends, that share the same interests and lifestyles like myself. Dressing up as someone else totally helps with confidence as well! You get to step in someone else’s shoes for a bit. When I cosplay it’s usually a character I’m very passionate about. So if you’ve ever dreamed about what it would be like as that character, you get to live out your fantasy for once. Cosplay has helped my confidence so much especially when you’re comfortable and confident in the costume you’re wearing. It also has kept me stay on track with maintaining a healthy lifestyle because I strive for that feeling of looking my best at a convention or events.

When I was younger all I thought about was getting married, having kids and living the family life. I was lead to believe that 30 was old. You should be settled by 30. Kids before 30 was the goal. Now at 30 I feel that for me, none of this is in fact even mildly true. Don’t get me wrong, I still hope that I do have the life I’ve always dreamed of. However at the moment I have a life that I never in a million years would have dreamed of. So I’m going to take a minute to list all the things that make me proud. I’m proud I never settled. I’m proud I get to educate children. I’m proud I get to dress up and make all kinds of kids smile, especially the ones who need it the most. I’m proud that I co-wrote a comic book BEFORE 30. I’m proud that I lead a team of incredible cosplayers that do unbelievable charity work (NY Avengers). Most of all I’m proud that I never let people who try to trigger my anxiety break me for living my life the way I want. This being said, I think what’s meant for me will be. I will not settle for less than what I deserve and I will keep fighting my anxiety monster while living my best life at 30. I just wanted to give a bit of insight to anyone who thinks I live a care free life. Sometimes what you see on social media isn’t always what you assume. My advice is to never let anyone tell you how to live your life because it’s the only thing that’s exclusively yours. Design it how you want, time will always go by but you’ll only regret the things you haven’t done.

If there are any topics you would like me to discuss, please send me a message through my contact page.